My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize
