God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
