I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
