Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
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