I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
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