I just cut my nipple shaving
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
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