I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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