I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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