What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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