what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
