tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
Randomize
