I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
