OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
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