I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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