I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
You made out with two different species that night
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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