Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
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