you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
