please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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