Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Randomize
