I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
Randomize
