FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Randomize
