Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
You took a bar mat shot.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
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