Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
Randomize
