the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
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