Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Randomize
