I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon�
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Randomize
