You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
