just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Randomize
