can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Randomize
