marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Randomize
