My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
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Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
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