Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Randomize
