U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
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