respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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