mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Randomize
