is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
i need an iv and a liver transplant
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
