I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
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