You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
you mean i was at the winter classic?
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Green mimosas i think yes
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
