I am in a vortex of obligation.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
