My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
