the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
