capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
I wish there were birth control emojis
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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