I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Randomize
