If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Randomize
