Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Randomize
