I accidentally had phone sex last night
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
you will always have a special place in my vag
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
Can you bring me the toilet please
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
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