so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Randomize
