I just pynch a tree in the face
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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