Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Randomize
