Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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